I have a problem

A few days ago I almost walked into a blind woman. Clearly, she was not looking where she was going. That may seem like a horrible place to slide in some humor, but... okay... no buts. I am sorry. Anyway, I almost walked into her because she was, at the moment, holding her cane upright, for whatever reason I am unsure. So as I walked, she sort of swayed over into my path, NOT tapping her cane, and I stopped short of walking into her. I was annoyed at this woman who was so carelessly swaying into my path that I turned up to glare at her with my evil eye so as to say, without words, "watch where you're going, bitch." It was at that moment that I noticed she was wearing very dark sunglasses - inside the mall - and holding a cane. I then proceeded to move out of her way, and to feel like a piece of shit for almost being vindictive in my own passive-aggressive way, to a blind woman. Why am I telling you this? Have patience, the point will become clearer.

I have a problem with hate. Not being the object of hate, although there is a lot about me people can hate, but being the hater. I am a big hater. A girl at Williams asked me why I was "drinking all of that hatorade" once. I hated her. This is because I am wont to hate people before I begin to like them. If we've interacted for a very short period of time, chances are I hate you. I most likely also hate your mother for having you, and your father for knocking up your mother and adding you to this population. I also hate your sister because she's a bitch, and your brother because he's ugly. I also probably never met them or saw pictures of them, but since I hate you so much, I know deep down inside that I hate them. See? I am a real hater. But chances are, after a while of forced interaction with you, I will begin to like you. I will begin to see all those little things about you that are unique; that only I have been able to unravel and to enjoy, and soon enough, I may begin to even love you. I may decide that your sister isn't actually that ugly after all. As a matter of fact, now that I love you, I may love her, because she is of course related to you by blood. And then I begin to feel badly about myself for hating you to begin with.

This cycle seems to repeat itself over and over. I never learn. What does this have to do with that blind woman? Well, that experience of almost-walking-into-the-blind-woman was in a way, a microcosmic (?) example of my larger problem. I judged that situation by my fixed-scale ruler of situation-judging: woman walks into my path because woman is not paying attention to where woman is going, therefore, glare at woman. As if, in some way, I were better than she. As if, even in the case that she could see, I had some RIGHT to walk along that specific path and she should dare not come between me and my God-given right. But my fixed scale hasn't any accomodation for the possibility that the woman is blind and that she does not have the luxury, as I do and as I take for granted every single day, of seeing that she is walking into my path. This is the same problem I have when I meet people and immediately hate them. I judge the situation immediately, based on parameters I have developed from other situations that probably have no bearing in that specific instance. And so then I hate. And I have never been able to quite get out of this.

So the good news is I have admitted I have a problem. The bad news is I don't know exactly how to solve it. Regardless, I am going to keep track of my anti-hating initiatives here for your education and if not, at least for your entertainment. Wish me luck...