Are You There Smirnoff? It's Me, Esa.

When my doctor told me she had a possible answer to my sleeping troubles I was so happy. She handed me a prescription for the drug Remeron, which she said was used as an antidepressant but does not have any of those annoying side effects like dry mouth, depression and inside-out-penis. What a remarkable drug! I was skeptical at first and asked what then was the reason that I hadn't heard of this drug before. She said it was very common for people to experience a gain in weight taking Remeron (aka Mirtazapine) and that since Americans have come to terms with the fact that they're losing the battle with the bulge, they're less likely to agree to take something that'll add on a few pounds. Well this was actually an even greater thing for me since I've been underweight for so long. My bones are literally falling apart under the weight of my gorgeousness.

So anyway, I took the Remeron and it was remarkable. I was sleeping 9 hours a night every night for the first time in my life. I was awake and alert during the day. I could focus on the things I was doing. I was calmer. I felt better. And I ate more. And more. And more. Actually, I don't think I ever stopped eating after the first few weeks of taking the damn thing. But that wasn't so much of a problem; actually, K-Money tells me that it's been better when I have lunch with her because I don't just sit there and watch her eat but I actually eat too.

Unfortunately, the problem eventually got a bit out of control. I would eat my stomach full and feel "stuffed" but I would still be hungry. And lo and behold, for the first time in my life, I could see an appreciable weight change. Since I started working out until pre-Remeron, I gained about 6 pounds. This was all muscle located in my shoulders and upper body. However, this took about 3 years to gain. Imagine that: 3 years to gain 6 pounds. And Adam still can't understand why I want to do steroids?! Anyway, the point is that now I am just delightftul and completely lickable up there in the shoulder and chest region as you would all know. My four-pack finally made its appearance and I was working on adding two more down below to complete that six pack and then toning and shaping my way into Mario Lopez stature when the Remeron struck.

For the first few months I was on a low dose and nothing seemed to change weight-wise. But then my doc thought that since I was tolerating it so well, I should prolly up the dosage and then is when disaster struck. In about 8 weeks, I gained 10 pounds. However, those 10 pounds did not exactly go towards the addition of more man candy but took up residence in a nice little ring structure around my tummy. Try as I may, the thing would not budge.

Now being brown it is inevitable that I will one day have a nice round tummy. It will happen. No matter what. All brown men will get a big brown round tummy. However, at 25 and single, I do not think this is the right time to handicap my potential romantic encounters with a big tummy. So I stopped taking the Remeron.

Stopping Remeron was like shooting myself in the face. There are no side effects to suddenly stopping it, but the sleep has gone. I have tried everything in my power to fall asleep but without help from my friend Smirnoff, or Absolut or sometimes if I am really happy, Grey Goose, I just cannot sleep. Over-the-counter sleep aids are also not helping. So basically, I am worse off sleep-wise than I was before I used the Remeron because back then at least the OTC stuff put me to sleep.

Anyway, luckily I have scheduled an appointment to see my doc tomorrow. I shall tell her of all of my troubles. She will likely scold me for my bad behavior and say, "you could do with a few pounds, I don't see why you're so upset about the weight gain." I will then take off my shirt and say, "if you were a 30 year old hot man, would you lick me here?" and point to my spare tire.

I will let you know how that goes.